The Good News is here! Tom Cruise has been prophesied to spread the Gospel of the Hubbardites. This is phenomenal, the ultimate marketing tool for recruitment of future Thetans. Nonsense? Never one to pass judgment on another’s status as a potential deity, I submit to you Tom Cruise’s resume for his “Christ-like” anointing:
- In Cocktail he acquired the skills necessary to turn water in to wine.
- His role in Mission Impossible proves he can stop evil forces.
- Minority Report established he can predict our future.
- The Firm supports his ability to be tempted and resist sin.
- Interview With A Vampire is a testimony to his eternal life.
- Rain Man is evidence he protects the meek.
- He has the pulpit and happy dance down.
- Many already worship him.
Yeah right, from a truly spiritual standpoint I can honestly say he will never complete me. He may be destined to lead his flock away to their Mother Ship, I know I can hardly wait for War of the Worlds II. If the Messiah spirit is embodied in Tom Cruise, I am most certainly destined for hell.
Just so no one believes I am a close-minded individual, I am willing to overlook the lack of a virgin birth and multiples divorces. I will reconsider my position if Cruise will give up all his worldly possessions, walk on water and resurrect himself after his crucifixion.